Here’s My Heart
The World Race: Gap Year was one of those trips where the people probably changed me more than I changed the people. During my trip my heart grew approximately 1,000 times bigger. And overtime every country we left stole a large chunk of my heart. Guatemala however was different as it took a piece of me it exchanged it with something else. Maybe it was because Guatemala was our first country but it awoke something inside me that I had never felt before. The unshakable passion for youth ministry. Don’t get me wrong, I have always loved children. Seriously, at parties with children I’m almost always with them. However, I’ve never really understood my place in Children or youth ministry. For a very long time I thought that I would be a teacher and then a Director of Christian Education. Then life happened, after my concussion, everything was super confusing and I started over from square one. There was a LOT of self-discovery that had to happen. I had lost the passion or drive to do anything. The summer after my injury we attended the national youth gathering and life started to make a turn for the better. I began my senior year and played catch up with all the courses I had missed, I got re-involved in managing football, I went back to youth group and I was feeling a little more “normal”. With senior year however, came the stress of choosing a college that was right for me. It was hard and once again I was left frozen in fear. At that point God let Steph speak up and say the things that my heart was yearning to hear,
“Have you thought about maybe taking a year or semester off of school and doing some mission work?”
WHAAAAAAT??? (This simple question still fires me up!) I did a little research. Then the Lord continued the work on His plan. Once, I let go of what the world wanted me to do and I said, “okay Lord you do you boo” (I didn’t actually say that but you get my point). Things started happening, my heart started becoming so set on missions. I watched as God’s perfect plan unraveled in front of me. I sat humbled by everything that was happening between my acceptance to the Race, the way the funds poured in and meeting the people on my squad. Y’all God is sooooo good!! Even through the stress of it all His provision stuck out to me the most. Through it all Christ kept assuring me that ministry was His plan for my life.
Skip forward to when I returned home, it felt as if everything I had known about my future when I left had completely changed. I continued to look in to college and as things continued to not pan out I realized I was still trying to fit in to a mold that I should’ve dropped like month 2 of the Race. I was trying to press the issue of college because I thought that was the only way to be an effective missionary, actually scratch that, person in general. Ministry is in my core and I can’t sit still any longer. I’m not “normal” and I can say that with so much confidence. I’ll admit, a lot of times I try to take my life in to my own hands instead of handing it over to the creator of my plans. I tried to connect the dots of what my heart was set on… ‘Okay, I want to be in ministry, I don’t think I am supposed to go to college, I can’t stop thinking about Guatemala… Perfect, I’ll look in to a ministry in Guatemala.’ Which I did do.
Then the Lord was all, “Hey slow down really fast. Look around you at what I have given to you in this moment. The children you care for, your family, your friends… Take a deep breath it’s not time right now.”
Therefore, I continued to wait (im)patiently. Honestly this little communication I had with the Lord I thought meant that I was homebound for ever (I’m still working on this listening prayer thing). Then CGA wrapped itself around my heart and no matter how hard I tried I could not shake it.
“But Lord,” I plead, “I’m supposed to stay here remember, with the kids I love, my family, my friends… Don’t you remember.”
However, if I have learned one thing over the past 2 years it’s this: If the Lord places it on your heart and it never goes away (plus it aligns with biblical truth, it brings you peace and the circumstances line-up) then you must pursue that! I could write an entire list on all the things that were lining up but I’m sure I’m already boring you with my word vomit so we can save that for later. Anyways, after months of fighting the urge to look in to CGA I finally logged on to the CGA website and I read it and wept, seriously, I cried the whole night. One of the most sleepless nights of my life. Everything that CGA stands for was everything that my heart was crying for.
I believe that CGA is the best next step for me because it will help me grow in the necessary areas for me to become an effective missionary. The 5 key aspects of the program (discipleship, community, inner transformation, outreach and scripture) I feel are the basic necessities for me to become an effective missionary. Yes, it is schooling of sorts however, it is the schooling that I have been searching for. I am passionate about learning as much as I can during this season so that the Lord can continue to use me in His plan for His people. I have been accepted in to the Leadership track, a track that will prepare me to lead as many people as possible throughout the years on the field. At the moment my future is unclear and I can only tell you the pieces I know, at any moment the Lord may change something. As of right now here are the puzzle pieces I have… a chunk of my heart is still somewhere in Guatemala, I absolutely positively think that one day I will have a family-like orphanage and last but certainly not least the rest of my life is the Lord’s to use. I am choosing today to step-out in faith in to the fog that is my future, only seeing what is directly in front of me. My heart and my hands are open to the things that the Lord puts in them next.
Am I sacred? Yes, I am trembling as I type but I will continue to seek the comfort of Christ. Do I still try to fight back as far as my future is concerned? Yes, sorry I’m human and sometimes my flesh takes over. Did I get really sad 5 minutes ago when my family told me that my room won’t be mine forever? YES, hello I worked hard to decorate this place. Am I counting down the days until I begin my move to Georgia? YESSSSS! With a heavy and joy filled heart I cannot wait to be in the peach state once again and this time for more than a week!
Saying yes is never easy and that’s why I have you on my team. Thank you, for walking along side me through every hard second and every joyous occasion!
NOW LET’S DO THIS THING!!!
